So, what is no one telling you about submission?  I discovered this little secret quite some times ago and I want to share it with you.  About four years ago – during the Christmas season, we were getting ready to put up our Christmas tree.  I wanted a real tree!  I love the smell and the look of real trees.  But my wonderful husband, said…NO.  We went back and forth a bit on the tree, but I knew I wasn’t going to get what I wanted.  This is What No One Tells You About Submission.

There is a little secret that no one tells you about submission. It is something we must realize as Christian wives in order to have a strong Christian marriage and to parent our children well. This is a great marriage tip!

The Ugly Fake

He brought up the huge box with the ugly, sparse, FAKE tree.

Me = not happy.  But I ‘submitted’ to my husband.  I did not complain about the tree…at least not out loud.

We set up the fake tree and Marcus left me to ‘fluff’ out the branches.

With each branch, the grumbling in my heart got worse.

If we had a real tree, I wouldn’t be separating the stupid branches.

If we got what I wanted, my fingers wouldn’t be getting stabbed by these dumb wires.

Grumble, grumble, grumble.

When my heart was quiet for just a moment, I heard Him.

Aimee, you may have submitted to Marcus outwardly.  But you haven’t in your heart.  That is not true submission.  You have a tree.  Stop complaining about it and choose joy.

WOW…

I had to make a heart change and I had to make it now.

I chose joy.

And my kids noticed.

Setting The Example

Fast forward a few weeks.  I was talking to my oldest about being a submissive wife and keeping a healthy marriage.  Her response was this, “Just like when you wanted a real tree and daddy wanted the fake tree.  You didn’t argue with him.  You just had the fake one put up.

In that moment, I was so thankful that I had listened to God’s conviction in my heart and stopped my grumbling.  I was sorry for the wasted time that I had grumbled away, but just so thankful that I had a heart change and my kids did not see the result of continued disobedience on my part.

I was honest with my daughter, though, and explained the story in more detail and how at first, my heart was in the wrong place.  I shared how God spoke to me and told me I was wrong and needed to change. 

This story has remained with Sarah ever since.  It was a valuable lesson for her and one I hope she takes into her own marriage.

Our kids are watching us, ladies.  They see how we submit and they notice when we don’t.  Maybe not so much with inward disobedience, but they do notice our attitudes and behaviour. 

We must set a good example in our marriages.  Not just for their marriage one day, but presently for their relationship with God.  Our marriages are supposed to reflect God’s glory, His relationship with us.  Our children learn a lot about God’s character through us, their parents.

If we are disrespectful to our husbands; if we belittle them and emasculate them, how do you think our children will view God’s character?  How do you think they will end up treating their spouse?

Be His Crown

Our marriages aren’t about us and what we want.  It is all about how we reflect Jesus. That’s what marriage has always been about.  Not what we can get from someone else. 

prov 12 4Are we the beautiful crown of our husbands?  Or are we the decay in their bones?

When we refuse to submit to their authority, we are decay in their bones.  

When we talk negatively about them or to them, we are decay in their bones.

When we roll our eyes at them **SIGH**, we are decay in their bones. 

BUT…

When we put our selfish desires aside and choose to not fight over silly things like a Christmas tree, we are his crown.

When we choose joy after not having our way, we are his crown.

When we show our children how a godly wife ought to behave, we are his crown!

I would much rather be the crown of Marcus than the decay in his bones!  Are you saying the same thing about your hubby?  

Click below for a downloadable printable!

Crown Of Your Husband

An 8×10 printable to remind you to be the crown of your husband!  Created for my post “What No One Tells You About Submission“.

I often ask myself the following questions – sometimes they are easy to answer, sometimes they are very convicting…

How am I displaying His character to my children? 

What am I teaching my children about marriage through my example?

What am I teaching my kids about the love of Christ through my marriage? 

How are you able to answer these questions today?

There is a little secret that no one tells you about submission. It is something we must realize as Christian wives in order to have a strong Christian marriage and to parent our children well. This is a great marriage tip! With Free Printable.

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Aimee Imbeau

Aimee is a wife to an incredible husband, Marcus, and mother to three fabulous children. She works from home as a homeschool support teacher and she homeschools her own children as well. She loves writing abut her faith and decided to give blogging a try in 2013. The rest is history...
  • I love this story. Thanks for sharing it.

  • Thank you. We do benefit!

  • A very good point, Marie. Thank you for sharing it.

  • Me, too, Amy. I usually write about things I need reminders of;)

  • That is true…areas of wounding and pain as well. Unhealthy ways we deal with stuff. Thankfully, we have Jesus and He will redeem all of it.

  • I agree, it is often misunderstood as weakness. But if they truly understood it, they wouldn’t fear it. I am thankful I ‘got it’ when I did.

  • Christine Zwart

    I understand where you are coming from but I worry what sort of a message you are sending to your son by not opening up to him and letting him know how you were feeling in that moment. Believing that women should submit to their husbands is one thing, but I don’t believe that we (as women) are called to just go along with everything that our spouse wants if they are not being mindful of our own needs (I’m not saying that this is what your husband was doing in this case, but hear me out). You quoted proverbs 12:4 as a mark of how a woman should behave towards her husband, but what about how husbands ought to treat their wives? When setting an example for your children it is equally important to talk to your son about how you feel as a wife as it is to your daughter. Ephesian’s talks about just this right after it talks about how a woman should submit to her husband. If you are teaching your daughter to submit to her husband make sure she knows how she should be treated in the marriage. Likewise it is good to talk to your son about how to treat women, so that he doesn’t grow up assuming that he is entitled to get his own way every time simply because he is a man. Submission is a two way street in marriage in my opinion, just as women are called to submit to their husbands so are husbands called to love their wives as they love themselves – I read this as meaning that if a man is loving his wife as himself, he is giving up his own desires for the desires of his wife, because if he loves her as he loves himself then her desires will become his desires, making it easy for her to submit her will to his. This part is so important to a healthy marriage because love and respect should be coming from both sides.

    I know that in my own life, I am blessed to have a partner who is so loving and respectful of me and my opinions, and so whenever there is a disagreement about something we are able to sit down and have a discussion about it and come to a conclusion that we are both happy with. This makes the submission part of our relationship easy for the both of us because we are approaching it with love and respect for the other person’s desires. I honestly wouldn’t be with someone who treated me differently because I believe that whoever I am with ought to love me as they love themselves, because that is the approach that I take to relationships from my end. I think that the Church so often talks about how women are to submit to their husbands or that the husbands are the head of the household but then leave out, or focus less, on the part where husbands are to treat their wives as they treat themselves. You cannot have one without the other, that is why the messages are put together.

    Just something to think about.

    “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church” – Ephesians 5:25-29

    • Hi Christine. I appreciate you taking the time to comment here. I would like to assure you that you do not have to worry about my son and the messages I am sending him. When this incident happened, my son may have been only about 5. He gets his understanding of how to treat women through how his father treats me, probably the best way to learn how to treat women – I also pray for him every day that he treats women with honour and respect. He is the most gentle and loving young man I know – he is now 12. But this post wasn’t about my son. I am wondering if perhaps there is a bit of misunderstanding here since I didn’t even mention my son in this post. He would have been too young at that point to understand what had happened. It was my daughter who needed the discussion then. Not my son. And this is only ONE story – one example of how we discuss submission in our family. Perhaps a better way to address your concern would have to ask if I had any posts about how men are to treat their wives, or asking me about how I teach my son to honour women instead of assuming that I am not teaching him how to treat women appropriately.
      If I went into every detail about submission, this post would be very long. I would refer you to this post in which I talk about how a husband is to love his wife: How To Have A Marriage that Represents the Gospel. You can easily find this under ‘marriage’. Or maybe the post “What I’ve Learned About Submission” would have given you a better idea of how a husband is to protect his wife and care for her – Biblically. If you had asked me for more information on how I teach that men are to love their wives unconditionally and as Christ loved the church, I would have also directed you to my parenting book where I specifically address men on this issue in chapter 5. You would have then read this, “Because I am confident in his (my husband’s) love for me and his desire for me to have the best in life, I trust him and his authority. It is much easier for me to obey God’s call on my life in submission when my husband loves me like this.” You would have also read, “How we treat our spouse is not based on their performance but is based on God’s call and command in our lives.” You would also see that I do not rely on my own opinions or what I think ought to be…I receive my directive from scripture.
      I would have suggested you read my parenting post titled “7 Tips that Will Cultivate Strong Sibling Ties”. In that post, you’d read about how I teach my son to protect his sisters in loving care. You would also read about my son’s gentleness, honour, love and respect for his sisters and for me throughout my parenting book. So, believe me, my son is the last young man you need to worry about in this issue. The absolute BEST examples he has that teach him about relationships with women is Jesus and his dad.
      I truly appreciate your respectful and thought provoking comment…and I am sure that you will see that we are likely on the ‘same page’ on much of this issue…one single post does not always tell the entire story, it does not address all the angles of an issue.

      • Christine Zwart

        Hi Aimee, thanks for taking the time to respond. I realize looking back that when you mentioned talking to your oldest I miss read and thought you said “him” instead of “her” and then went on to say that you did talk to your daughter about it. This lead me to believe that you talked with your daughter about your struggles but not your son, which is why I was so bothered. Growing up in a house full of women I find I am often very sensitive to how women are told to behave in the Church and how often “submission” translates to “just do what you’re told.” I find this a really interesting topic and I appreciate that you’ve taken on the challenge of addressing it. Thanks and God bless

        • I was wondering if this was the case…that you thought I said my son in this post! HAHA! I totally understand what you are saying…I also think that many times the church focuses more on the idea of submission rather than the husband’s part. I’m hoping that one day my husband will do a guest post for me teaching on how a husband is to treat his wife. I believe many men could learn from his wisdom.
          The thing is, when Paul was teaching wives to submit, he said it only 2 times. In Ephesus, the wives were already being submissive…so this wasn’t new to them. However, when you look at the number of time he told the husbands to love their wives, we see it is about 7 times. We dig a bit deeper and we see that the Ephesian men were using their wives as ‘baby-makers’ and having their fun with concubines. I wonder if Paul was meaning to address the problem the men were having, but being kind of gentle by making sure the women were included. But I do know that he certainly was getting after the men for not fulfilling their responsibilities as husbands. Misunderstanding of scripture occurs when we fail to understand the context of the passage. And with bad teaching.
          I do not believe that God intended submission to be ‘do as your told’ as simple as that. I have a voice – and my husband knows it. Most of the time, we are in complete agreement on things. For the other times, we usually discuss and then he makes the final decision. I fully trust him in this.
          Love is first…and when there is love – pure, genuine love – submission is not that difficult…most of the time;) My husband is not the kind of guy where it is his way or the highway…he used to be…and he recognizes the damage that has done. It is not healthy.
          I also believe that, as women, we will be held accountable for what we permit to happen to us. This is contrary to some of the submission teaching out there. And, yes, it bothers me very much that some Christian women are teaching other women to be doormats. That is why I am talking about this.
          Thank you, Christine, for being so willing to dialogue about this. It is a topic that needs to be discussed openly. I appreciate your contribution.

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  • Sam

    I’m so glad you chose joy! and encouraged me to next time I submit and deny my own way! 🙂

    • Thanks, Sam! It isn’t always easy, but it is good.