I just sat on the edge of my bed and sobbed.  They didn’t fit right.  The panties he bought me just for him…I looked awful in them.  The sides cut onto my hips in a very unflattering way.  I used to fit this size.  But not now and I felt so ugly because of it.  All I could do was cry.  I was not the sexy wife he thought I was.  This is For The Wife Who Doesn’t Feel Sexy.

We don't always feel sexy, but sometimes the feeling becomes more of a problem and it hinders the health of our marriages. I share my experience and what helped me. I hope it helps your Christian marriage. For The Wife Who Doesn’t Feel Sexy

I wasn’t too sure what to do at that point.  He was going to be in the bedroom in a few minutes and he was expecting me to model these new, barely there panties for him.  It was clear that I had been crying; I couldn’t hide that fact.  And I didn’t want to ruin ‘it’ for him even more.

But I had been struggling with this feeling for quite some time.  Maybe you have been, too.  Just writing this out makes me want to cry because I remember how I felt and my heart breaks to think you know what I am talking about.  I also cry because I see how far God has brought me, I can now see the incredible work of healing He has done in my life.  And He wants to do the same for you.

So, what did I do?  I told my husband how I felt.  He sat with me as I cried about how ugly I felt.  I showed him how the panties didn’t fit me properly.  Confession is good for the soul, so I told him how I thought he thought I was unattractive.  He just held me and told me that he thought I was beautiful…and the panties…well, they weren’t staying on long enough for him to notice how they didn’t fit anyway.  That man can always manage to make me laugh despite the tears.

But it was still hard.  I still struggled with feeling ugly.  I knew I had to deal with this.  

Heart Healing

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[a]Marvelous are Your works,And that my soul knows very well.I knew I needed healing from God.  In prayer, I started handing this issue over to the Lord and I asked Him for healing.  God’s word says that intimacy in marriage is sacred and important.  So, I knew He would answer my prayers for restoration.  I also knew He would heal this area of our marriage because He had done so before…I needed healing from damage that occurred from childhood sexual abuse.  If He can heal that, well, He can heal anything!

It took time and some effort on my part, but He remained faithful to me…and to Marcus;)  Meditate on His Holy Word and the things He says about His wonderful creation – YOU!  Thank Him for making you…beautiful.  Go ahead, just say it!  It might be hard the first few times, but after a while it will get easier.

God healed and restored me and how I view myself.  I know He wants to do the same for you. 

Please pray for your own healing and don’t stop until you are restored…and even then, continue to pray big for intimacy in your marriage!

Many Christian songs out there are uplifting and incredibly helpful in assisting in our attempt to focus on His thoughts towards us.  MercyMe has a song that I just love; “Flawless”.  I have posted it at the end.

It Hurts Him, Too

One thing that I realized at that point that I hadn’t before was the fact that it hurt my husband that I thought so awful about myself.  It saddened him that I thought I was ugly…that I would think that he thought that, too.  He loved me very much the way I was.  It also hurt him because he knew I was hurting.  This is his bride that I was thinking so awfully about, the woman he chose to love, cherish and care about for the rest of his life.  

Our husbands may not show it, but when we are hurting, they hurt alongside us.  This pain reached much further than just me and those silly panties!  My husband longed for a wife who was whole and free.  Is your hubby longing for this, too?  Is he waiting for you? 

I can tell you now, Marcus has delighted in seeing me set free.  He is content and satisfied to see me live in freedom.  Not only because he benefits from it in many ways (including the bedroom!), but because he loves me.

Part of the healing for me was having the courage to wear something for him…again.  It took risk; it took me putting my anxiety and fear aside.  I had to shed the shame.  It took me receiving his enjoyment.  I had to look beyond how I felt and, instead, watched how he took pleasure in what I was wearing.  His response brought much healing to my soul. 

Yes, I had to step out of my comfort zone in order to receive deeper healing, but it was well worth it!  Marcus agrees!    

Little Ears Are Listening, Little Hearts Are Tender

When troubles bring clouds to your dayAnd you don’t know how to chase them away,Just remember to look inside your heartAnd you’ll know that I love you, sweetheart.The other thing that forced me to begin dealing with this problem was my girls.  I have two daughters who were looking to me to see how I handled ‘body image’.  They may have been quite little at the time, but I knew that my tone would set theirs for a very long time.  The way I see myself and my body will impact how they see theirs.  I had to change the way I talked about myself.  Instead of saying “I am so fat”, I’d say, “My hair looks great today.” 

OR

“My butt looks fantastic in these jeans! (and it actually does!)” instead of “My thighs look like ham hocks.  I hate them!” (and they really do…but they are my ham hocks!). 

I had to be genuine and intentional about commenting on the things about my body that I liked.  Continuously focusing on the other parts and speaking negatively about them harmed me, harmed my daughters…and they also hurt my husband. 

Get Strong!

It was around that time that I got a membership to Curves.  This was such a good decision for me!  I didn’t necessarily lose a bunch of weight, but I grew stronger, healthier and I just felt sexier.  Exercising just helps with overall health and when you know you are working to get stronger, you feel better about yourself.  This idea is proven true again since I had taken almost 2 years off of Curves and I just joined another women’s gym here in town…I had forgotten how great I felt when I was strengthening my body!   

However, if we fail to bring this pain to God for healing in the first place, none of these other ideas will be too helpful.

**Just days after I wrote this article, I came across this post by Fawn Weaver of Happy Wives Club.  I guess I am on the right track;)

Last Thoughts

My dear sister, please know that I completely understand how you are feeling.  While I can’t offer a quick fix, I do hope that my sharing of my own experience has brought hope and encouragement to your soul.  I pray that God will completely and fully restore every part of your marriage.  I know He will… 

Sign-up for my newsletter and get this free Shed the Shame Printable!

Are you ready to join me in shedding the shame?

I have also started a new series on my blog, How Health Is Bringing My Bodacious Back.  Join me for some simple and manageable changes that will help your journey towards health and freedom.  

Keep up with me on Pinterest:
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We don't always feel sexy, but sometimes the feeling becomes more of a problem and it hinders the health of our marriages. I share my experience and what helped me. I hope it helps your Christian marriage. For The Wife Who Doesn’t Feel Sexy

 

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Aimee Imbeau

Aimee is a wife to an incredible husband, Marcus, and mother to three fabulous children. She works from home as a homeschool support teacher and she homeschools her own children as well. She loves writing abut her faith and decided to give blogging a try in 2013. The rest is history...
  • Laura Lane

    Hi, I’m going to try Trim Healthy Mama. You can see about it on facebook if you search.
    I have felt the same way. Thank you for your honesty.

    Please drop by and say hello!

    ஐღLauraღஐ

    Harvest Lane Cottage

    …doing what I can with what I’ve got where I am

    on a short shoestring budget!

    ~~~~~

    • I’ve heard of the Trim Healthy Mama. My husband does the cooking, though, and he doesn’t like to be told how to cook;) I will stop by your site soon, Laura!!

  • Lily

    Hi Aimee! Thank you for this honest and uplifting post! I’m not a wife, but I can relate to your struggles with body image and shame. Your wise and encouraging words spoke to me! Glad to be your neighbor on the Women with Intention linkup. Blessings!

    • Thank you Lily. I am so glad that the Holy Spirit spoke to your heart through my words! When I wrote it, I hadn’t thought about how single women could benefit from it, too. Thank you for reading it and letting me know how it blessed you. I appreciate it so much!

  • This is such a struggle for so many women – me included! Thank you for sharing the encouragement and hope to live unashamed. And, let’s get crazy here, to actually feel BEAUTIFUL for once! When my husband tells me I’m beautiful, it is so hard to believe him – Satan has such a sick way of feeding us lies about ourselves and how we look. Time to live in God’s truth!

    Thank you for sharing this on the Mommy Moments link-up!
    Amy @ http://www.livinglifetruth.com/

    • AMEN!!! Yes, so beautiful! Let’s get crazy together! I am so excited about this!! Look at that gorgeous smile!!! When your hubby tells you you are beautiful, say something like “Oh, yeah, baby!”. Then strike a pose;) That’ll knock his socks off. Doing things like that helps us believe the truth. I am so happy you stopped by!

  • Kori

    Beautifully written post! I have struggled SO MUCH with this, and can relate to almost all of what you say! Thank you for your encouraging words in this post, and for sharing your own very real experience.

    • It is a battle, isn’t it? But it is one worth fighting. I am so happy that this encouraged you!

  • Oh, Aimee,

    You handled a difficult subject with grace and humor beautifully. This is such a tender spot for us as women, isn’t it. And you are right, the shame we feel becomes projected upon our husbands and they hurt as a result. Our marriages are broken down by the lack of communication. I never realized I was inflecting those same issues upon my husband until he reached deep and calmed my own aching heart. Looking like this at our marriage, helped me to look less at myself and the bride he married. He told me once, He married a girl who was beautiful, but he loves the beautiful woman so much more. I can’t say I fell ‘great’ about my aging body but I can say, I am comfortable enough in the love that my husband has shown and the love of the Heavenly Father to turn away from the condemnation my heart wanted to cast. 🙂
    Great post, Aimee…and with such grace! 😉

    Blessings,
    Dawn

    • Thank you Dawn. It is a tender spot for us. There are so many fiery darts being shot at us in regards to this topic. You are right, communication with our husbands is so important even in this area. They aren’t mind readers. They aren’t going to just figure it out every time. But they long to reassure us of their love for us.
      Thank you for sharing your heart here Dawn. When we, as women, can be honest about such things, it builds and encourages. We know we aren’t ‘alone’.

  • This is such a good post! So much “truthiness” as my friends and I call it! It brought me to tears and made me feel relief at the same time – relief that I’m not the only one who has had those moments, relief that all the things God has been showing me in this area are true, relief that I’m not crazy or hopeless. Thank you so much for sharing! Glad I stopped by from the Creative K Kids Thoughtful Thursday Link Up!

    • You are certainly not the only one, Maria! I am sure every single woman struggles with body image at some point in their lives. You are not crazy nor hopeless. I am glad He is showing you His truth. I’m happy you clicked over, too.

  • Aimee, believe me when I say you’re not alone in this. I can relate to so much of what you’re saying and have often struggled with how I see myself. You make an interesting and honest point: as much as it hurts us, it hurts our spouses too and that alone encourages me to stop looking at myself at such a negative light. Thank you for such an encouraging post to share with us on #SHINEbloghop last week. Your honesty is encouraging and your strength is an inspiration.

    • Thanks Maria. Interesting how we are more willing to continue hurting ourselves but when it comes to the realization of the other people we are hurting in the process, we are more than willing to make a change. That is love, hey?

  • You are so beautifully brave! Thank you for sharing your courage with us. You bless so many.

    • Thank you for your words of encouragement, Elizabeth. I take them to heart.

  • Thank you, friend, for sharing this much needed words of encouragement! I am there now, sporting 20 extra pounds and what I have name “Blogger’s Butt”! Ha! But it’s a blessing to hear of your restoration and know that God can do the same for all the other women who feel this way. Thank you for your courage to share!

    • I have a great idea, Sarah Ann…we should come up with some type of exercise contraption just for bloggers! we could make a fortune! Too bad tonnes of calories couldn’t just be burned off by typing, hey? Thanks for your encouraging words my beautiful friend!

  • Terri Lynn Grothe

    wow, you are so amazing to share this, it is exactly what I have wanted to write but the words do not come right, so thank you for writing this for me 😉

    • I like that this topic has been on both of our hearts, Terri Lynn. What would have been some points you would have added?

  • NicoleC

    Just lovely! Thank you for sharing I work daily to “shed the shame” so far, it hasn’t worked but I’m hopeful!

  • Lilian

    This made me cry! I always had an awesome figure, but after I had my child very late in life, my stomach is out and I look pregnant all the time. I have been struggling with this and feel so ashamed of my body. I also feel like why has God punished me like this. I am sorry to feel like this but when I see my other friends having a flat stomach even after having 3 kids, I feel so disappointed in my body. Don’t feel like even undressing myself and seeing my big stomach! Thanks for this message, I pray that the Lord will restore my body so that I will not feel ugly anymore….

    • Oh, Lilian. I know what you are talking about. I look at my wedding photos and wonder how I was so slim! I pray that God heals your heart over your shame. It is s fight – an ongoing one – but we can have victory!
      One thing I discovered about that pouchy belly problem is that the abdominal muscles likely have separated, making it almost impossible to get rid of that fat there. It is called Abdominal Separation (Diastasis Recti). Maybe you can find some solutions for that problem that will help. I know for me, it really helped me to see that it wasn’t ‘my fault’. I am praying for you!

  • Friend, I just love love this post. So true, encouraging and challenging. You hit the nail on the head and offered guidance back to Jesus. Thank you for sharing at the Grace & Truth Link Up. <3

    • Thank you, Starla. Always back to Jesus. Always.

  • I’m featuring this post in this Friday’s Grace & Truth link up party!!

  • Kensie Story

    “This is his bride that I was thinking so awfully about, the woman he chose to love, cherish and care about for the rest of his life.” Quite possibly how Jesus feels when we do this to ourselves too. What a good post and reminder. Thank you.

    • I agree, Kensie, it is probably like how Jesus must feel when we talk badly about ourselves. We are His bride, after all. Thanks for visiting!

  • Such a powerful and NECESSARY topic to bring up. Thank you for your transparency, what a blessing to women today

    • Thanks, Christa. We do need to talk about these things! It is so freeing to do so.

  • Tara Jones Wohlford

    This is a timely and important topic. We women need to feel better about ourselves!

    • Oh, yes, Tara – we do need to feel better about ourselves! We need to feel great about ourselves. And that starts with knowing who we are in Jesus.