Years ago, I struggled with anger. I was an angry mom, and angry wife…just a plain old angry woman. And this had a huge negative impact on my bedroom activities. I had to deal with the root of my anger before I would see any improvement in any other area of my life, including intimacy. The condition of our hearts, our attitudes, and how we treat others has a direct effect on what our bedroom activity, or the lack thereof, looks like. The effect is for good…or for worse. So, ladies, is your contentious attitude affecting your sex life?
This Angry Woman
There was this one time when this angry mom exploded at her kids. I just went “off the grid” – saying things I knew I’d deeply regret later on. But I just kept carrying that angry spirit around and I made sure everyone felt it. I was completely unreasonable and my behavior was appalling. I am even embarrassed to be sharing this with you. Really, it was shameful.
When I finally calmed down, my husband came to me and said, firmly, but in love, “I did not like that at all. You cannot behave like that ever again.” I am SO thankful to not have a passive husband who turns a blind eye to poor behavior. I thank God that my husband loves me enough to not let me act that way! Seriously, we live in a culture where husbands are very passive. I see this so often. Wives behave poorly and husbands do not say or do anything to put a stop to it out of fear they will make the problem worse. Women with unteachable hearts and men who are passive. The combination of these two problematic attitudes provide prime conditions for seriously troubled marriages.
Do you have a teachable heart? Or do you have a contentious one? You can’t have both.
I had to make a change. My anger was affecting my marriage and my family. My husband was not happy with me – it really was a turn-off. Honestly, who wants to be around an angry person? I know I don’t! So, I shouldn’t expect my husband to want to either – including me!
The Contentious Woman
There are three verses in Proverbs that talks about the contentious wife. Proverbs 21:9 and 25:24 say it is better to live in the corner of a roof than with a contentious woman. Verse 21:19 says it is better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman. And verse 27:15 says a contentious woman is like the constant dripping on a day of steady rain – incredibly annoying!
A contentious woman is not pleasant to be around – for anyone, let alone a husband.
Let’s take a look at what contentious means. The Outline of Biblical Usage includes the word ‘strife’ in describing contention. The root word for contentious includes words like brawling, discord, and quarreling. If we look at some of the verses in the concordance results, we see that a wrathful man stirs up strife (Prov 15:18) – in other words, the contentious wife is wrathful. Not a way I want to be described.
How about you?
Proverbs 26:20 says that where there is no talebearer, strife will cease. I thought that talebearers were like tattletales, but after looking up the word, I see it means something different! A talebearer is someone who is a backbiter and slanderer. How are you talking about other people? Are you someone who says nasty things about others? How you speak of others is a direct result of the condition of your heart. And the condition of your heart will have a direct impact on the quality and quantity of your bedroom activities. Think about it. When you are maligning and insulting another human being, are you really ‘in the mood’? And if your husband is listening to your barrage of insults, do you think he is going to be interested? I’m sure he’d much prefer his corner on the roof than in bed with you.
Tough words to hear, I know. But someone’s got to speak the truth!
How are you speaking to and about your husband? If you speak ill of him, is that going to put you ‘in the mood?’ Are you respecting him with your actions, words, and thoughts? Oh, yes, even our thought life matters.
When I purpose to think good and loving thoughts about my husband, it is easier for me to be prepared for intimacy. However, when I harbor resentment and bitterness against him, well, I don’t even want to be in the mood.
Friend, do what you need to do to take care of the root of this problem. I have a healthy and strong marriage. But that didn’t come easily. I’ve had to work for it. I’ve had to make a lot of changes within myself. Many roots were dug up and burned.
Don’t be afraid of the hard work in marriage.
If you’ve been yelling at your kids day in and day out, do you think you are going to be ‘in the mood’? If you are treating your children like trash in the way you speak to them – the children you and your husband created through the act of intimacy – are you really going to feel like having sex? It is the very act that got you these kids, right? So, if you are resentful and bitter towards them, are you really going to have any desire performing the very act that conceived them?
Again, ladies, this comes down to a heart issue. There is a root that needs to be dug up and dealt with. Will it be heard? Yup. Will it take time? For sure. Is there going to be pain? You bet. But it will be worth it to have freedom in intimacy, along with other areas of your life.
You can either keep talking about your anger problem or you can start looking up to Jesus to help you with self-control (PS, self-control is a fruit of the spirit – are you walking in the Spirit?). The choice is yours, friend.
Complain, Complain, Complain
Have you ever been around someone who seems to thrive on complaint after complaint? It’s like they are looking for the negative in everything – and you know, if that’s what you keep looking for, you’re going to find it. No doubt about it.
I’ve been around people like that – too many times. In fact, I make a point of avoiding spending time with complainers and negative people. I just don’t have the emotional energy to deal with it. And, well, it affects my mood in a negative way.
So, we can look at this point in two ways:
- You spend too much time with complainers and negative people and it is adversely affecting your life.
- You complain often and you are always trying the find the bad in each situation and it is having a destructive effect on your life.
Either of these things is going to have a negative impact on your life, including your marriage bed. Paul warns us in 1 Corinthians about who we spend our time with for evil, harmful, and wicked company will corrupt the good habits we have (and sex in marriage is a very good habit!).
We are also advised in Proverbs to not make friends with those who are angry and wrathful lest we learn their ways. See being a contentious wife above;)
Be extremely careful with whom you spend your time with. This might mean spending much less time with an individual or group of people…it might even mean going as far as ending that relationship. If your marriage is suffering because of it, itis best to just let it go.
If you are the one complaining…well, again, this is a heart issue and it needs to be dealt with. Make sure you are spending time with God – His word renews our minds, helps us to focus on what is good, pure, and true. Turn away from your sin – and a heart of criticizing, whining, grumbling, and fault-finding is certainly sin. Repent and return to God. And He will refresh your soul.
Attitude Check…Heart Check
Guaranteed, friends, if you have a contentious attitude, it will seep into your marriage bed.
Keep your attitude in check. Ask a friend to pray with you and for you if you are struggling. Better yet, commit all of it to prayer with your husband. Trust me, he will want a healthy sex life with you, so he will be more than eager to participate in praying for you!
Guard your heart. Is there anything growing there that shouldn’t be? Do you need to do some weeding? Cultivating? Harvesting – ohh la la!
Ladies, God desires for us to desire our husbands. We can make up any excuse we want for our lack of desire – but our excuses aren’t going to do any good in solving the problem.
Pray for a good attitude towards sex and your marriage.
God is faithful and He will answer those kinds of prayers with gladness and joy.
What is your main ‘take away’ from this post? Is there anything you need to work on? Where do you want to see changes in your marriage? What are you expecting?
Next week, I’ll share some of the more tangible bedroom ‘helps’ I’ve found to be helpful…including something so brand new, you probably haven’t even heard of it yet – and let me tell you…it gets this old engine revving!
Until next week…
Other posts in this series:
For The Wife Who Doesn’t Feel Sexy