Why I Do Go to Bed Angry (Sometimes)

I was angry.  I was deeply hurt.  And it was late.  He knew how I felt and yet, he still didn’t apologize.  Instead, he was getting ready for bed. My frustration elevated.  The tears rolled down my cheeks.  I hate this.  And it didn’t look like anything was going to get resolved tonight.  I started to get ready for bed, too.  Guilt washed over me as I brushed my teeth and contemplated that popular marriage ‘rule’.  “Never go to bed angry”.  Right.  Now not only am I upset, but I am breaking this cardinal rule!  My marriage is doomed!  Or is it?  Early on in my marriage, I worried about breaking popular advice such as this one.  But then I realized that just like any cliché advice, it must be taken with a grain of salt.  This is Why I Do Go to Bed Angry (Sometimes).

The popular cliché advice for newlyweds is usually “never go to bed angry – stay up and work it out”.  While those offering the advice probably have good intentions, this advice isn’t always practical or wise – and really, if you’ve been married any length of time, you have probably gone to bed angry a time or two!  Here is Why I Do Go to Bed Angry (Sometimes)

Fighting with my husband is one of the things I dislike most in my life.  It doesn’t occur very often, so it isn’t something either of us is used to.  We are blessed to have a marriage where arguments and pain are not a normal occurrence.  But, we are both human and we get angry sometimes.  And sometimes we do go to bed angry.  Maybe this sounds like your marriage.  Maybe you fight sometimes and go to bed angry knowing it goes against that marriage rule.  But, it works for you and your hubby.  It turns out to be a good thing.  And guess what?  That’s OK.  

In The Quiet

When I go to bed angry, I use that time before falling asleep to talk to God about what is happening.  When I am in the heat of anger, I don’t think to quiet myself before the Lord.  I am too busy fighting and trying to make myself heard.  My focus is on me.  My wants and needs.  

But when I am quiet and conversing with my Heavenly Father, my anger disperses and I feel His peace.  It is during this time that He is able to speak to my heart.  I am more open to receiving His conviction if I have wronged my husband in any way, including thinking bad thoughts about him.  During this quiet time with God, He is able to give me His love for my husband and I can pray for God’s solution to the problem and wisdom in how to deal with it – wisdom for me and for Marcus.

Clear-Headed

When I am tired, my emotions tend to be more sensitive and unreasonable.  Not really ideal conditions for working out a problem, right?  With some rest, I am better able to think about the issue.  I’ve had time to think and process the situation.  

Do you need time to process, too?  I find the extra time helpful for me to see things clearly and to deal with any rooted issues I might have.

Renew

I’ve gotten into the habit of asking God to renew and revive my love for my husband.  You see, my husband and I have been through a lot over the years.  We’ve had ample opportunities to prove the scripture verse that says 2 shall become 1.  We’ve had to.  

Because of events that have occurred in our extended family, Marcus has had to be my defender, my protector.  I’ve had to rest in his strength and protection many, many times.  

He has proven to me time and again that his heart is for me.  That he has my best interest at heart and he would never intentionally hurt me.  I have resolved to not allow disagreements to hinder my love for him.  

And sometimes I need the night to seek the Lord and ask Him to remind me of my love for my husband.  It always works;)

Shut My Mouth

Sometimes God needs me to keep my mouth shut so that He can deal with my husband.  If I am blabbing on and on about how I am right, then I don’t leave room for God to speak to Marcus’ heart.  My husband needs that quiet to seek the Lord as well.  Staying up all night trying to work things out just might interfere with what God wants to teach Marcus (and me).      

Always Right?

Just because a piece of advice is popular doesn’t mean it’s always right – or even just right for that given situation.  If you go to bed angry, don’t seek the Lord and then don’t try to resolve the problem the following day (or ever), then yes, you might want to stick to the cliché advice of staying up until the issue is resolved – but still, seek the Lord! 

Maybe, like me, you need that time to process, pray, and listen.  Just because a piece of advice is popular and touted by almost everyone without much thought or reason, doesn’t mean it is the best advice for your marriage or for that specific issue.

Walking Where?

Walking in the Spirit requires us to seek the Lord for His counsel instead of worldly cliché advice.  Instead of reacting to a situation, I turn to the Lord for wisdom and discernment.  Doing this has helped me to see if there is something else bothering my husband or if I am ‘over-reacting’ because of some unhealed root in my own life.  Being lead by the Spirit has really helped me to know when to keep talking it out and when to remain quiet (as hard as that is sometimes!).   

Do you go to bed angry?  Have you been walking in the Spirit?  Do you allow the Holy Spirit to guide your conversations?  Are you and your husband ‘one’?

The popular cliché advice for newlyweds is usually “never go to bed angry – stay up and work it out”.  While those offering the advice probably have good intentions, this advice isn’t always practical or wise – and really, if you’ve been married any length of time, you have probably gone to bed angry a time or two!  Here is Why I Do Go to Bed Angry (Sometimes)

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What It Means For A Husband To Love His Wife

We had barely been married a year when he said those terrible, heart-breaking words.  I knew something was ‘off’ in the weeks previous.  He wouldn’t touch me anymore.  He barely spoke to me – at least not the way he used to.  Sleeping in the same bed was like sleeping with a stranger.  And forget about any kind of intimacy.  It just wasn’t happening.  I was hurt, lonely, and headed for trouble.  We both were.  And those words confirmed that what I was sensing was true.  So early in our marriage, neither one of us knew what love meant. And because Marcus wasn’t a believer, he certainly had no idea What It Means For A Husband To Love His Wife.

Sometimes, we get a warped view of the marriage relationship. We excuse bad behavior because we don’t know what love really means. But, if we truly did understand how to love, so many more marriages would be healthy and whole. What It Means For A Husband To Love His Wife

I gathered my courage and asked my husband what was going on.  He responded with:

“I love you but I’m not in love with you”.    

Nice, hey?  Just what a new bride wants to hear.  This is what I call “Hollywood Love” – the fluff we see in movies.  

This is what I call “Hollywood Love” – the fluff we see in movies.  And it’s crap.  Sorry for the crass word – but it is what it is.  It is ‘love’ based upon feelings.  Fickle feelings.  It isn’t true love.  

Well, things obviously worked out since we are happily married and on to year 20. Those early years were still rough and painful.  It wasn’t until I received a lot of healing from the Lord and he came to faith in Jesus that marriage got better.  My husband will be the first to tell others that he had no idea what it meant to love his wife before he was a believer.  This is a different kind of love.  Not a worldly love or how the secular world views love.  This is a supernatural love from heaven. 

Let’s see what it means for a husband to love his wife by looking at scripture.

What Is Love?

Ephesians 5:25 talks about how the husband is to love his wife.  But sometimes we need to dig deeper in order to really get the gist of a verse.  In our culture, we have one word for love – just love.  Sure, we can whip out the thesaurus and find several synonyms, but they all basically mean the same general, all-encompassing thing.  

There are, however, there are 4 different words for love in Greek, each with its own specific meaning.

First, we have Storge which is the affection parents and children have for each other.

Second is Philia, a love between friends.

Third is Éros which is a passionate love, an intimate love.

Finally, we have Agápe, which is God’s supernatural love.

The word Paul uses for love in this verse is agápe.  Paul assumes that a husband and wife already feel philia and eros in their marriage (otherwise, why did they marry?).  Note I said ‘feel’ – because these versions of love are feelings.  Agápe is a decision for higher love.  It is a choice to love.

A Definition Of Love

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 gives a very clear picture of what love is.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.

Now, instead of using the word love, put your name in and read it.  Try your husband’s next – or better yet, have him do this with you.  

Convicting, isn’t it?

Now replace love with the name of Jesus.  

Doing this activity should not condemn or shame you, instead, it ought to make you want to love like that.  This is healthy love.  This is Agápe love.  This is the love a husband should have for his wife (and vice versa).

It’s a Choice

So, Paul is saying that to truly love your wife as Jesus loves the church, there is a decision that is made in addition to the heart.  You see, “it is love so great that it can be given to the unlovable or unappealing” (Guzik’s Commentary).

Agápe love gives and loves because it wants to; it does not demand or expect repayment from the love given. It gives because it loves, it does not love in order to receive.”  (Guzik’s Commentary)

Paul is encouraging husbands to go beyond kindness and compassion by choosing austerity in consideration for their wives.  So, basically, a complete act of selflessness.  Christ has a self-sacrificial love for the Church and husbands are to have this same kind of love – self-sacrificial

What About Submission?

God gave husbands and wives these commands for marriage for a reason.  They balance each other out.  They compliment each other.  When one is out of balance, or both are out of balance, trouble ensues.  Husbands may abuse their headship, creating an oppressive environment instead of a holy and freeing relationship.  And wives end up becoming controlling and cold.   

When a husband loves his wife the way he ought to, she will have no problem with Godly submission.  I mean in general, sometimes it is difficult when I want to go shopping and Marcus says ‘no’;)  But I do strive to submit to him because I am commanded to, for one, but he sure makes it easy for me to submit.  So easy.  

What Can I Do To Encourage Agápe Love?

Are you wondering what you can do as his wife to encourage Agápe love in your marriage?  Well, there are a few things.  But first, let me say something you can’t do – or try to do – and that is control your husband.  It’s just not going to work, friend.  He is responsible for his behavior and you are responsible for yours.  

Here is what you can do to foster Agápe love:

  1. Pray.  I know, it might not seem like much.  BUT…any change that has occurred in my marriage has been because of prayer.  Don’t give up on praying for your man.
  2. Submit.  Oh, I know the argument well – because I’ve tried to use it.  “I’d submit if he loved me better”.  Yeah, I get it.  BUT…it doesn’t work that way.  That is not what scripture says.  Paul didn’t say, “Wives, submit when your husband proves his Agápe love to you.”  We submit because we honor God when we do.  I know it isn’t easy, but it is good.  
  3. Talk.  Communication is key.  Plan a date night with your hubby and bring some planned out discussion questions.  I LOVE these conversations with my man.  Sure, they are uncomfortable for me at times because I have to hear something I don’t really want to hear…but it is for the good of our marriage.  I created some printable discussion questions that include the topic of Agápe love and submission.  These are available below.  Keep them stashed in your purse for date night (tip – pick just a few to discuss in one outing).  There are some blank ones for your own questions..make them as saucy as you wish;) 
  4. Forgive.  If you want to quickly destroy your marriage, keep holding on to that grudge.  Healthy marriages practice keeping short accounts with each other.  With God’s grace and His Agápe love for your husband, you can choose forgiveness.  Ask Him for a softened heart.
  5. Remember.  You are a team.  You are doing life together.  Root for each other.  Encourage each other.  Be on each other’s side.   

What About That Hollywood Love?

I am sure you want to know what happened to “I love you but I’m not in love with you”.    Well, my hubby did come back to me after talking to his mom…and a lot of prayer by me.  He started to understand what true love was.  It took a while, but he displays true Agápe love now…and we are both still learning.

How do you and your husband foster Agápe love? 

Sometimes, we get a warped view of the marriage relationship. We excuse bad behavior because we don’t know what love really means. But, if we truly did understand how to love, so many more marriages would be healthy and whole. What It Means For A Husband To Love His Wife

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Top Sex Secrets From A Work Of Grace

Sometimes, we all need a little ‘pick me up’ in the bedroom.  Something that will help fuel the flames, get the blood flowing, and get us ‘in the mood’.  Especially since that ‘mood’ doesn’t always suddenly appear.  And let’s face it, there are seasons in life when that the only action our bedroom sees is us kicking our hubbies in the middle of the night when he starts snoring.  **I’m not the only one who does that, right??  So, here are some of my favorite resources to help fire up the bedroom with my Top Sex Secrets From A Work Of Grace.

It is easy to fall into a rut when it comes to bedroom activities. But it’s also easy to get out of with the right ‘tools’! Here are my Top Sex Secrets From A Work Of Grace. BTW – life is short…be purposeful in having fun with your hubby:0

Websites

No, these are not scandalous websites.  Just a few ladies I know who regularly offer support for wives in the bedroom. Read More

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Is Your Contentious Attitude Affecting Your Sex Life?

Years ago, I struggled with anger.  I was an angry mom, and angry wife…just a plain old angry woman.  And this had a huge negative impact on my bedroom activities.  I had to deal with the root of my anger before I would see any improvement in any other area of my life, including intimacy.  The condition of our hearts, our attitudes, and how we treat others has a direct effect on what our bedroom activity, or the lack thereof, looks like.  The effect is for good…or for worse.  So, ladies, is your contentious attitude affecting your sex life?   

What does your attitude have to do with intimacy? Lots! If you have a bad attitude, it will creep into every area of your life and marriage, including your sex life! But you do have a choice on what to do with it. Is Your Contentious Attitude Affecting Your Sex Life?

This Angry Woman

There was this one time when this angry mom exploded at her kids.  I just went “off the grid” – saying things I knew I’d deeply regret later on.  But I just kept carrying that angry spirit around and I made sure everyone felt it.  I was completely unreasonable and my behavior was appalling.  I am even embarrassed to be sharing this with you.  Really, it was shameful.  Read More

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Is It Really My Duty As His Wife?

Quite a few years ago, a younger friend was preparing the final details of her wedding plans.  With a playful grin, I mentioned to her that two of my favorite verses in the Bible was 1 Corinthians 7: 3 & 4.  She agreed with me and we had a good chuckle about it.  However, over the years, I have come to see how this little passage has been taken out of context and the original meaning that Paul intended.  This “advice” on marital intimacy is seriously lacking.  Sure, maybe it sounds good at first, but when I really thought about it, the advice just didn’t sit well.  Perhaps you’ve fallen into the trap of this ‘advice’ as well.  Are you believing the lie of being intimate with your husband in the name of duty?  Are you wondering “Is It Really My Duty As His Wife?”

Have you been met with the response "It's your duty as his wife" when you have expressed a struggle with intimacy in marriage? Me, too. More times than necessary, that's for sure. In this post, I address that question...Is It Really My Duty As His Wife?

You’ve probably heard this ‘advice’ – or maybe you’ve even given it to a friend.   
Scripture says my body belongs to my husband, therefore I should not deprive him.  It doesn’t matter if I don’t ‘feel like it’, I should give it to him anyway because it is my duty as his wife.

**SIGH** Read More

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The Unashamed Wife’s Secret to Healthy Intimacy

Intimacy in marriage isn’t something I often talk about on my blog.  But, today, I’d like to chat about it a bit.  Hopefully, that’s ok with you.  I love having the intimate relationship with my husband.  BUT…it hasn’t always been easy.  We’ve had our rough patches.  And I want to share a secret with you…The Unashamed Wife’s Secret to Healthy Intimacy.

Are you wishing for healthier intimacy with your husband? Are you feeling defeated in this area? Like "Is this all there is? Why is it so much easier for others? Why can't I be the wife my husband needs?" I hope you find encouragement in The Unashamed Wife's Secret to Healthy Intimacy.WWomen who know me a bit more know that I enjoy my husband. So, when I confessed a while ago that I was struggling a bit in that area, it was met with surprise…maybe shock. And I felt a bit disappointed about that.  Because that was an indication that what I have been through has been misunderstood.  Or there was a misconception that the level of intimacy I’ve enjoyed with my husband came easily to us…to me.      Read More

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6 Sure Ways To Make Your Marriage Difficult

The tears rolled down my cheeks.  We were fighting…again.  I don’t even remember how it started – just how it ended.  When I walked down that aisle, I didn’t expect marriage to be this hard.  I wondered if I had made a mistake in marrying him.  Maybe he was Mr. Wrong instead of Mr. Right.  Surely someone else would have been better.  Right?  Probably not.  It wasn’t until several years later that I realized why this was improbable.  I had to learn a lot…thankfully, when you don’t have someone to teach you these things, God uses His Holy Spirit to teach us the truth.  What did I learn?  I am sure you are anxious to find out.  Well, here are 6 Sure Ways To Make Your Marriage Difficult.

6 Sure Ways To Make Your Marriage Difficult

I wish I had known these things when Marcus and I were first married.  Yes, we did go to marriage counseling, but I don’t remember the pastor talking about these kinds of things.  The things I had to learn ‘on my own’ years later.  Things I had to learn from experience (AKA – the hard way).  When I learned these things and applied them to my life and my marriage, Marcus and I grew stronger.  And when he started doing the same thing – WOW!  That’s when we became unstoppable!  OK, maybe not to that extreme.  But we do have a solid marriage because we both work hard to avoid the following 6 things. Read More

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Don’t Wish For A Marriage Like Mine

She sat across the table from me, stirring her cup of tea, a wistful look in her eye.  Finally, she blurted, “I wish I had a marriage like yours.”  My darling friend, if you only knew the truth.  This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this.  It isn’t the first time my marriage has been caught in the trap of comparison.  People see the results of over 18 years of hard work, pain, joy, and learning.  Yeah, Marcus and I have a rock solid marriage.  And it certainly isn’t because we’ve had good role models for marriage.  Except for one.  Once we learned – and applied – this fundamental truth for a holy and happy marriage, we were well on our way to a rock solid marriage.  So, if you long for a healthy marriage, Don’t Wish For A Marriage Like Mine.  Instead, discover the essential truth that totally transformed our marriage.  

The comparison trap is so appealing. We see the couple who has tall. Great marriage. Awesome kids. And we begin wishing for what they have. But here's the thing. We shouldn't be looking to other people for our example. There is something better. Don't Wish For A Marriage Like Mine

The first few years of marriage were rocky.  When Marcus thinks about those years, he laughingly quips, “I knew nothing back then!”  And he is right…I didn’t either!  We were both incredibly broken people – one unbeliever and one trying to be a believer the best she could.  If we had only known then what we know now, we would have saved ourselves a lot of heartache.  So, what should you be aiming for in your marriage?  What example should you be following?  The answer is pretty simple…but often ignored or overlooked. Read More

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3 Incredible Truths About Marriage From Mary and Joseph

The Christmas Story is all about Jesus, His birth, God’s redemption plan…His mercy.  I just watched a Kyle Idleman video study about the shepherds and I got all emotional thinking of how God has redeemed and restored my heart…my soul…my life.  This is what Christmas is for me.  Remembering how God came to a very broken woman and put a new song in her heart.  Thanking Him for His redemption plan for my life.  However, through all of that, I have noticed another little story woven through the amazing Christmas Story.  A story of marriage.  We are given an example of a Godly union between husband and wife.  Here are 3 Incredible Truths About Marriage From Mary and Joseph.

Over the Christmas season, I have realized that Mary and Joseph provide us with some great marriage tips. Here are 3 Incredible Truths About Marriage From Mary And Joseph.

When we think of Mary and Joseph, we probably don’t think about their marriage – or if we do, it is just a quick glimpse – like knowing they were engaged to be married.  We then we move on to the important focus of the Story – Jesus.  And so we should.  Yet, I’d like to take a closer look at the marriage of Mary and Joseph today.  There are a few truths that popped out to me…and encouraged my heart.  I hope they will do the same for you. Read More

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3 Incredible Truths To Remember When Walking Through Adversity

My heart was crushed.  The pain was excruciating.  There are less than a handful of people who have hurt me more than she has.  I know how that saying goes – the one about your spouse being the person who hurts you the most – I even came across that saying in some sermon notes I had written many years ago.  As a young wife in those days, I believed that saying – I put myself on guard for my husband to be the person who hurt me the most.  After almost 20 years of marriage, I know that saying to be completely false.  Sure, it might be true in some marriages – and maybe when you set yourself up for it, it becomes true.  But it was not true in my case.  Not even close.  My husband has not been the one to hurt me the most.  But he has been the one to walk beside me through such agonizing pain at the hands of others.  Here are 3 Incredible Truths To Remember When Walking Through Adversity.  
When adversity comes, I can either draw closer to my husband or I can allow it to tear us apart.  Here are 3 incredible truths to remember when walking through adversity.

Some of the hardest times in my life have fused my husband and me together so fiercely that there isn’t much that could rip us apart.  We are pretty solid, he and I.  We are so good together.  Spending time together is one of our favorite things…and we both work from home, so we see each other all day, every day.  And, no, we have never gotten sick of each other!  When one of us goes through a rough patch, we have a choice.  We can bring further hurt into the situation by failing to support, encourage and pray for the other.  OR…we can walk with the other person through that awful painful situation and cover them in prayer.   Read More

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